It took me a while to think about actually writing this post. I’ve long since pondered the ramifications or implications that it may have. Then I thought that this is my site, this is my life, and this is me. I have no regrets, no hard feelings, and no remorse about where my life is at right now.

The bottom line is that Maggie and I are getting a divorce. Everything should be final this week and that’s ok. She and I had a fantastic life together, but things just didn’t work out. The people we were 2 years ago, 2 months ago, and even today are totally different. We’ve become people that just shouldn’t be married to one another. I still love her, but not as a wife. I love her as a friend and will always keep her in my heart. This part of me won’t change. She is a beautiful and wonderful person and I want her to always be in my life to some capacity. I wish her the best with anything she pursues and know that she will have a very happy and successful life.

I don’t look back on the past 2 years wishing things had been different, or I had said that one extra thing, or stepped away from a situation just a bit sooner. I look back on our marriage as a path that got me here today. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for either of us, because from what I can tell form her and what I know of me, we don’t feel sorry for us. I don’t think we would be the people we are today had this not happened in our lives.

People have said that I should be mad at Maggie for leaving me. I was. I despised her for what I thought was her turning her back on me. I had never felt so devastated in all my life. I wanted nothing more than to lash out. I wanted to just punch shit and yell, and fight, and claw, and be angry, and I did. It was on! But then it stopped. I got a letter from a friend and it set me off. On that day, that letter did 2 things. First it made me hate everything and want to fight harder than ever, and then it made me open my eyes. Rather than lash out, I got in my car, I closed my eyes, and I prayed. When I opened my eyes, I smiled and have yet to look back. The contents of the letter and the words that were said were harsh and I don’t think they were the best approach that should have been taken, but then again life has a way of punching you in the face when you need it most.

I’m no longer angry for Maggie leaving. Instead I respect her for stepping away. It took a lot of courage to say “enough is enough.” She wasn’t happy, and deep down she knew that I wasn’t either. We were happy on the surface but there was something that just wasn’t there. I know it was hard for her to put an end to a marriage, but she did. I respect her for taking a stance for her and doing what she needed to do. It was way more than I was capable at that point in my life.

For those that know me and what I’ve gone through over the past 2 months I thank you for putting up with me. I reached a dark time in my life and was at my lowest point. I was in a hole that I saw no way out of. I was at rock bottom. However there was a turning point, when I dug MY heals in, and took my life back from other people. I control my life and my reactions and emotions now. I don’t let others dictate this for me. I look inside for my happiness instead of externally. I can survive alone. As Maggie told me a while back “I don’t NEED someone else in my life to live.” This is my life today. I want others in my life and I will have people in my life, but I will continue to move forward because of me, not because of someone else.

I love my life and myself now. I no longer wake up or go to sleep in tears, unless it’s tears of happiness or joy. I still have my rough moments but I can now manage through those times and don’t have to rely on other’s to hold my hand.

So where does my life go from here? I’m pretty certain where my life is headed. I know the next steps in my life and have already begun down that path. I will be going back to school next year (pending the sell of the house). I will get married again, and I will have a family. One day I will come home to my wife and kids and just smile. I will travel, I will live, I will love, and I will be happy. It might not be easy, but it sure as hell will be worth it.

People may say “you need time to recover” or “maybe you should just slow down or take things easy for a while.” That would be great, if I were them. I’m me and I get to decide what I do. I had my moment of recovery, I remember the day well, it was the day of the letter. You know who you are, I don’t like what you said and some things I will hold on to for a long time, but in the same breath, I thank you. So I do feel alive and ‘recovered’ and moving at a pace that is comfortable for me.

So that’s my story. This is my life and where I am at with it. This is my me.